How to Gently Encourage an Older Loved One to Share Their Story on Film

It may not be as difficult as you think.

If you’ve ever thought, “I would love to have this recorded, but they’d never agree,” you’re not alone.

Often, the people whose stories matter most are the hardest to convince. Not because they don’t care, but because they don’t see themselves the way you see them.

Here are some gentle, respectful ways to approach the conversation.

⸻

1. Start with love, not the film

Before you mention cameras or recording, start with why.

Instead of:

“We want to make a family history film.”

Try:

“There are so many things about your life I don’t want to forget.”

This frames the idea as affection, not a project.

⸻

2. Don’t tell them their story is “important”

This sounds strange, but many older people push back when told they’re “important.” It can feel uncomfortable or exaggerated to them.

What they often respond to better is:

    •    “I love hearing you talk about when you were young.”

    •    “The kids ask about you all the time.”

    •    “I wish I knew more about my grandparents. I don’t want to make the same mistake.”

This keeps the focus on connection, not significance.

⸻

3. Emphasise that it’s for family only

A common fear is being exposed or judged.

Reassure them:

“This isn’t for the internet. It’s just for us.”

Knowing they’re not performing for strangers can lower a lot of resistance.

⸻

4. Let them know they stay in control

Loss of control is another big concern.

Explain gently:

    •    They choose what to talk about

    •    They can skip anything they don’t want to answer

    •    They can stop at any time

    •    Nothing is shared without their approval

Feeling safe matters more than feeling convincing.

⸻

5. Make it about time together, not recording

Sometimes the best invitation is the simplest:

“I’d love to just sit with you and listen.”

The oral history film then becomes a by-product of a meaningful conversation, not the goal itself.

⸻

6. Accept hesitation — and leave the door open

You don’t need a yes straight away.

You might say:

“Have a think about it. We can always talk again.”

Many people warm to the idea slowly, especially when they realise it’s not as daunting as they imagined.

⸻

7. Remember: agreeing is a gift, not an obligation

If they say no, that matters too. The goal isn’t to pressure someone into sharing—it’s to honor them.

Often, though, once they understand it’s about love, memory, and family, the answer becomes a quiet yes.

And when it does, families are almost always grateful they asked.

Do you have a question about commissioning an oral histories of your loved one? Write to me at info@familytreefilms.com and I'll explain it all to you.

Of course, there's absolutely no obligation.

--Mike English